developments

SW knows about DE and i now, it's no secret to anyone at all. (on campus.)
DE and i went for a kind of long walk last night, and he held my hand.

after i left the other night, SW asked DE flat-out if we were "becoming a thing" or something to that effect. and on one hand, i'm kind of proud of SW for finally facing what is plainly in front of him, but on the other i'm like, how does he still need to ask, when we sat in a hypnotist's show for 2 hours with DE's arm around me, and the other day he walked in on DE and i about an inch from kissing?
but i'll just choose to appreciate that he now has to face it. maybe now he'll move the fuck on, almost 6 months after the fact.
when DE answered (honestly), apparently they sat there awkwardly for a little and then SW announced he was going for a walk and semi-stormed out of the room.
he's just so fucking puzzling. how does he not get things?!


the other day DE asked if he should be concerned about my friend JM, but i was like huh? and he then refused to explain any further at the time. when i finally got him to explain (after much "no i'm just being dumb") what he meant, he said that even though right now we're not dating, he's kind of afraid that he'll lose the chance before he decides he wants it, or something.
i don't know.
before he told me what he meant by his comment about JM, i was worried he'd want to be exclusive or something.... because even though i like him, i don't think i'd date him. there's no passion. we get along, we're attracted to each other, we care about each other, but there's no passion. passion's the exciting part, passion's the interesting part. EB and i had so much passion.
i'm just worried that with DE, i'd get bored. and that's awful for me to say because he thinks he's boring. but that's not what i mean. bah.


for lent i'm trying to give up snacking.

yesterday i ate lunch, but for dinner i had 3 pieces of tomato, 7 kalamata olives, and like 3 pieces of lettuce.
....and then 2 chicken tenders a few hours later. =\
but i really wanted to munch stuff when i was in DE&SW's room, and i did not let myself! yay! ...except that i was visibly disturbed by something, and DE kept asking what was wrong.
but all that matters is that i was strong.


i have to keep being strong, i have to get stronger. i'm fat and i hate it. why do people keep saying i'm not.
i can't keep being like this.