or maybe to eat, if they're all i eat.
i kind of binged for the entirety of today.
i kind of binged yesterday too.
i kind of binged for the entirety of my god damned existence.
(speaking of my god damned existence, yesterday, april 21st, at 9:27 in the morning, i reached my ten millionth minute of life. [i calculated that by hand one day whilst high on adderall so i'm only about 85-90% certain my math's all a-okay.] ten million minutes doesn't seem so long... so twenty million minutes doesn't seem so far away... but then i have a stoner epiphany that's like... duuuude... to make it to twenty million minutes i have to LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE AGAIN. ---no offense to stoners, it just seems like the basic-yet-mind-boggling realization they stereotypically make... but this is not the point here. back to hating my fat self.)
every day i tell myself,
"no more!"
"never again!"
i never seem to listen.
i feel like i don't fit in on PT anymore. everyone's all skinny and on-track.
then i know that's not true, and there are so many other members struggling with binges and weight gain... but i always feel like the worst failure of all.
as i was saying.
i dyed eggs tonight for easter.
i also inadvertently dyed my fingers.
i tried to take a picture but my webcam is mentally challenged. or maybe i am. (srsly, how do you turn it on?)
so i broke out the nikon. :D
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| yes, i have a huge nose. |
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| i like the polka dots (: |
oh and i finished college girl.
read it all in one night. it was a bit of a page-turner, but not in the action-packed sense.
i enjoyed it. morals aside, it really just made me miss sex :\ ...which was completely not the point of the story.
oh well.
speaking of sex.
new dream inspired by the inflatable bouncy things at spring fling:
have sex in a bouncy castle. or not a castle. you know. some inflatable thing. for some reason they're almost always castles. but i won't be picky about that.
AZ needs a new facebook profile picture.
you know, among other things.
like to be less fat.
i'm going to get back into reading.
i do enjoy it, once i get into it.
trouble is, it takes me a very long time to get into most books.
i remember when i read harry potter and the sorcerer's stone, in the first grade... i was super bored by the first chapter being all about the dursleys for far too long, but i powered through! and now i've read that book at least seven times.
i've started jonathan strange and mr. norell at least twice. but then i get bored and put it down and when i come back around to it i've forgotten how it began.
i started hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... and i actually enjoyed it, but not in a riveting, must-read-more-right-now kind of way... and so i'm going to have to restart that...
i used to read all the time for pleasure, though i never really got into fantasy. books in which they make up names for silly worlds and things never interested me. the fantasy i read is all pretty realistic, as far as fantasy goes.
then when i had to read more for school, it sucked the fun out of it. a single page could no longer hold my attention.
figures that it'd be my gap year that'd snap me back into reading for fun again. we'll see how long (if) i can maintain that into the college year....
and speaking of college i've been lurking the accepted students webpage... essentially i'm trying to find cute boys i can be excited to go to school with.
so far i have had zero luck, and it's highly discouraging. the entire undergrad program is only 1600-1700 students, 53% female if i remember correctly.
then again, my high school had about 125-150 kids per grade, and was about 67% female depending on the year, and i managed to find two suitable guys there... granted, neither were in my year...
...and then again again, my high school is from cool urban liberal new york, where the guys are hipsters and nerds at worst but usually some tolerable blend. i don't know what to expect from suburban maryland students...
i know it's lame (or i feel like it is, anyway) that i'm nervous mostly about the male population that my school will have to offer... but i'm no good at being single. being single makes me sad, as sad as that is. i'm just biding my time until i find someone worth being in a relationship with.
seriously though, what's good about being single?
people are like, "oh, yeah, being single's great cuz you can do anything you want and not have to answer to anybody and you can hook up with whoever you want..." yadda yadda yadda.
first of all, i don't like random hookups. they bore me. i need a little emotional investment to give a damn about intimacy.
second of all, being in a relationship should really not hinder me from doing what i want to do, no?
i just think it's bullshit.
then again, i'm a bit of a love junkie.
you wanna know the best feeling in the world?
it's not hunger.
it's not fullness.
it's not thinness.
it's not taste.
it's not touch.
it's not pride, satisfaction, freedom...
it's not even simply love, nor being loved.
it is loving someone who loves you.
hell, i'd even put being in love above being loved. being loved is someone else's feeling. and i know firsthand that being loved can suck if you're not returning the favor.
but being in love... damn, is it ever magical.
last february i wrote a poem (an angel from forgotten wings, if you have a fictionpress account... wink wink nudge nudge
"i fell in love with love when i fell in love with you."
..the other half of the inspiration is about being pissed that he changed me but couldn't love the change...bastard...
ANYWHO.
moral of the story is...
...i really love love.
to me, being in love makes beautiful things more beautiful, because you don't have to witness them alone.
i know this is like the longest blog entry in the world.
i miss writing. i guess this is the next best thing.
NO OFFENSE I LOVE YOU <3
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