.......
i woke up to a bunch of phone calls and texts from AD - thursdays are usually our night to watch skins and stay up all night (adderall is involved) and then spend the whole next day playing games or doing crosswords for hours straight. but since things went south, they stopped.
but she decided to call me over to play hours of yahtzee. we ended up playing monopoly, stupid, yahtzee, and doing sudokus and crosswords and kenkens. typical friday with AD.
she's still mad at me, of course. i don't know how to behave or what to do or how to better our friendship. I'M CLUELESS.
so.
i've barely eaten all day. i had a bowl of cereal (178) when i woke up before i left for her house, and the smallest amount of ice cream (<38), and most of a slice of bread (~45). total = approximately 261.
i almost never eat that little...
and yesterday i went to the gym.
...i have zero stamina, so i get exhausted way too fast. i can't work out for hours like other people do...
also, sometimes i think i have asthma. i don't have attacks, but after i exert myself too hard (running, really, is what does it), breathing gets very very difficult.
i remember, when we did the pacer test in gym in tenth grade, i only made it to like lap 25 or some really low number (they speed up as you continue), and i wheezed for about an hour afterward.
anyway, retrospective tangent alert, sorry. as i was saying.
i'm really proud of how much i exercised yesterday. counting the walking to and from the gym, i burned 442 calories. i still ate a shitload that day, so my net was 774. i know, over 1200 calories. it's because i started eating at like 4 in the morning...
but anyway. between the exercise and hardly eating today, i feel great.
but stupidly, i weighed myself when i got home around 1am.
i knew it'd be a bad idea because the number would be atypically low, but i was so curious to see how light i was at the end of all that not-eating.
the curiosity won, of course.
122.2.
so here is where my conflict comes in.
i want to be OVERJOYED to see that number. 122.2! that's fucking great! that's a BMI of 18.0....
it's beautiful.
AD was like, "why are you so skinny, are you starving yourself?"
ha. right.
anyway, on one hand, there's the joy of the low number, but on the other, there's the anger at myself because i know it's not going to last. it's going to all go away once i eat tomorrow. first, of course, i'll sleep, and perhaps that number will drop more? i really have no idea if it will...
and i've just got to take it easy, then. no more 1200 days. no, sir. no way, no how.
- - - - - - - - -
EDIT: it took me a couple minutes, but i just realized... a BMI of 18.0 is my goal number two. i called it 122 pounds, so i'm not ready to celebrate arriving there yet... and also my body's like empty right now so that 122.2's going to go up... but wow, tantalizingly close to GW2 so soon after GW1... my goals are clearly too close to each other, but i care more about BMI than weight. as weird as that may be.
- - - - - - - - -
suddenly i feel like crying though.
what's going to happen when my mother notices i'm getting smaller?
that scares me most of all. more than what's going on in my own head. i hate hate HATE worrying her. and i wouldn't know what to tell her.
with anyone else i have a long way to go before they notice enough to get concerned, but my mother notices every little thing.
when i told her about the note from my doctor about the borderline underactive thyroid, and i explained to her how the symptoms don't match, when i mentioned weight gain she said "well that's certainly not the case."
she's not blind. she's not stupid.
a while ago she told me i looked "little." and that was weeks ago. i'm probably at least 6 pounds below wherever i was then.
i'm scared for her, and for our relationship.
but i look so much better at this weight. clearly my body is meant to be underweight. my stomach is flatter, my thighs the slightest bit less chunky, my hips don't have three curves to them anymore. well, not as noticeable.
and it's just going to get better from here.
it's funny. as afraid as i am of KW knowing about any current eating issues, i kind of really wish he were still here to see me like this. he
...i also bought sexy lingerie for fun times with HF back in like autumn or some time in december but that didn't work out like it was supposed to, and now i'm pissed it's just sitting there, wadded up in a box. i want someone to tell me i look better now than before!
i'm just remembering how KW loved my body when we were together, and after, and i miss being looked at like that. love-tinted lust is... indescribably exhilarating. .......
ANYWAY.
pardon me.
i wonder, what if i ever gain the weight back? what if i'm made to recover (i'm talking waaaay down the line, here, you know, when (...should i have said 'if' here?) i have a real problem)?
how could i possibly look back at whatever my lowest weight will be by then and not miss it, and not think i'm fat after gaining?
suddenly i feel more trapped than in control...
but it's like my favorite hobby is getting on the scale and seeing a number smaller than the one i saw yesterday. ....siiiiigh.
i think it's time for more kenken.
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