i keep binging. maybe not a legit "binge," per se, but yesterday i ate about eleven hundred calories in an hour. that was the worst.
all weekend, yesterday evening when i got home from my six mile (!!!) walk around manhattan - don't do that, btw, i have two blisters and a lot of chafing...
i burst into tears at the sight of my calves yesterday. that's why i went for such a ridiculous walk. i honestly think all my gym-going has made them bigger. and my left one's now like visibly larger than my right. like, my guess is an inch. haven't measured yet. but i literally started crying.
i'll be signing up for pilates soon. that way i can build lean, long muscle rather than bulky muscle.
i don't want to ever be larger. that's the last thing i want.
...that was a tangent.
anywho, so binges galore over here. fuck me sideways.
i've somehow managed to relatively maintain 125 though. i was at about 125.6 earlier.
i'm considering "recovering."
that is, sucking it up, maintaining 125 for a while, and then when i get to college in august (or if i see an opportunity arise sooner), i can go for it (whatever it is) with nobody fucking it up.
see, i can do excellently when i'm out and about. even when i'm just at someone else's house. but in my own house, bored, i just shove everything in sight into my mouth. and that's not gonna do.
ugh, i don't know what to do.
right now, though, I JUST WANNA EAT.
i have soup in my cupboard. a lot of soup. and i have ravioli and waffles in my freezer. i ran out of jelly so i can't have the pb&j sandwich i'm kinda craving. i also have cereal, but we ran out of milk. i just want to eat everything.
on the other hand, i find that i am extra-enjoying the empty feeling in my belly. that is, when i can stay away from food long enough to get it.
i really do adore feeling empty. it feels like strength.
i'm clueless about a solution to my recent binging problem.
i know everything is shit when looking at myself makes me so disgusted i cannot help but to fall to tears.
...i can't recover. not even "recover." fuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this sucks.
but i feel that binge coming on again tonight.
i think it's just that it's habit after the past four days. it'll take a strong night to break it.
my mom's currently out shopping for groceries. if she only brings back the things we need, i think i can keep strong tonight.
...but if she brings home chocolate, my willpower is fucked.
i almost want to tape my mouth shut.
When this kind of thing happens to me, I feel absolutely powerless over it. When I just cannot resist eating. It's aweful but I've come to just let come and go. No use in fighting it; I'm just gunna lose anayway. And when the urges finally leave, I'll be even stronger because I'll be much more motivated not to eat. If you don't purge, however, this may not be great advise for you.
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem as you - when I'm by myself, at home, no parents, no friends etc I find it so much harder to control myself. When I go back to my parents house I find I get a bit of a perverse pleasure in refusing the food.
ReplyDeleteBut...well jealous you can just "take a walk" around Manhattan. I have like, a Tesco and a bus stop with a homeless guy...
...if I buy him fags he times my laps.