happy birthday dear AZ...
happy birthday to me.
i've gotten like, i dunno, at least 25 comments on facebook, and a few texts.
it's also the birthday of this guy from my high school, we called him ABA. HF wrote on his wall to wish him a happy birthday. i still haven't heard anything from HF since december twenty-something. fuck you too, HF. fuck you.
(@ nichole s.: sadly (??), no, i don't purge, so giving in just means i will absolutely get fat. and yet i do it anyway. why? i don't know. because i want to eat so i can't resist it.
@ acquired taste: haha, at least you have a timer. i'm quite amused by your system. and i like refusing food, too.... when i can manage to stick to my original 'no, thank you,' that is. which is rare, because i'm apparently quite weak.)
for my birthday i received a jewelry stand like a naked tree branch, because i have a lot of necklaces.
and a refillable water bottle that doesn't require two hands.
and a pilates kit thing. which i am SO psyched about.
if i weren't leaving for philly in less than two hours i'd break it out now and get my body fit!
but of course that's going to take a lot more effort than one can fit into a day.
so far my mom's been out since i woke up.
i threw away half my breakfast - well, a lot more than half, actually - and then had a small salad instead. i think that's an 86 cal total breakfast. approximately.
then i had my vitamins (30) and some peanut butter (48).
and i'll bring that apple i stole from JHU with me on the bus and maybe eat it there. or just when i get off the bus. that way i'll have just eaten and if we go get food, i'll have a reason not to eat (and hopefully i'll stick to that).
i'm going to weigh myself in a few minutes. and then i won't be able to weigh myself until sunday afternoon when i return.
somehow i feel so empty. not in my stomach, that'd be something to celebrate. but my heart. my soul, if you believe in it. i have no idea.
i shouldn't feel like this on my birthday.
i just want some love.
and i can't help but think this crap feeling is related to HF's neglect. i didn't think he'd wish me a happy birthday, but i also didn't think he'd really wish anyone else a happy birthday today.
and fuck if i'd believe for a second that he doesn't remember it's my birthday. i know he does. fucking immature bastard.
lately i've been able to look back on my times with HF and remember things fondly. while that shows signs of getting over everything, it also feels like i'm forgetting all his hurtful bullshit. i'm SO much better off without him in my life. but i'd prefer to have a god damn choice in the matter. like, i shouldn't talk to him, but i'd like to have the option to, dammit.
i just keep wondering how he's been, how he's doing.
he was so depressed and suicidal around autumn/winter. i talked him out of suicide several times. i can't help wonder who'll do that for him now? i'm worried. but maybe he's better off without me, too.
also, if i don't hear from KW today i'ma be mad. i know KW's a busy man but a text is not hard to send. he forgot to call AD on her birthday. i think he was busier back then, but it still unsettles me.
i bet i sound like such a brat.
i can't believe the countdown of my last year of teenagerdom begins today.
OH! i saw how to succeed in business without really trying yesterday, starring daniel radcliffe and john larroquette. i happened to be there on the same night as a million high schoolers from like... jersey or something, clearly on a freshman or sophomore class trip.
now, daniel speaks with an american accent for the duration of the show. but after the show he made some announcements and as soon as he spoke in his british accent there were so many teenage girl screams, it was ridiculous.
they auctioned off his turquoise bow tie, that he'd worn that night (and a visit backstage). two people ended up tying (both bidding 2500) so they gave both of them a bow tie, one from the first act. they raised 5000 for (i don't remember the name of the charity) with daniel's sweaty bow tie. it is a very pretty color.
my mom's on her way back and i should really be getting ready to leave. i was supposed to get into the shower like a half hour ago. oooooopsies.
she better not bring me a fucking cake.
there'd better be no fucking cake today, period, at all.
right now i'm 125.4.
i better be less when i come back.
i probably won't be.
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