breakfast: try to eat just my vitamins. mother notices. "you have to have breakfast." i have cereal.
this is anywhere from eleven am to three pm.
sometimes i can stop after breakfast. sometimes i can't, and i'll follow up with "lunch" right away.
around six or seven, i start eating again. i grant myself a little dinner... but inevitably my mom's brought home some chocolate, or some ice cream, or some something or other that i just have to have. i'll have a little dinner, and a little more, and some dessert, and maybe another dinner. and then i just eat. for the rest of the night. i couldn't tell you why.
by the end of it all i've lied to everyone.
i've lied to myself, convinced myself i need this, that everything will somehow be okay if i just eat this one
i've lied to my mother, "i'm really not that hungry right now" and "i'm still hungry, what else is there?"
i've even lied to my calorie counter... i generally leave out everything after my first dinner. i don't want to look at the numerical guilt.
when that's all done, i once again make my daily promise to myself, i will not eat like that tomorrow.
one day i'll mean it. and keep it.
i've gotten into trouble before, for breaking promises.
if i'm going to be honest, i think it's because a promise (mostly from my father) never meant anything when i was a kid. they were never anything serious. "i promise" meant 'yes, i'll try if i feel like it.'
one day, a few years ago, i realized that's what they'd meant for me, too. i'm trying to turn my promises into more than just words.
i would meet HF every day before school when we were dating, in the subway station where he would transfer to the train to take us to school. i was always late for school, so he set our meeting time early enough that i wouldn't be. and i wasn't, but i was always late to meet him... he wanted me to promise i would be on time but i couldn't, because promising wouldn't make me any earlier, it would just make him more disappointed. he always got so mad at me.
...anyway.
i'm trying to convince myself not to make a promise i don't plan on keeping. i'm trying to make it so that instead of avoiding making a promise i don't think i can keep, i make the promise and make the effort.
call that my belated new year's resolution.
let's try today.
i, AZ, promise that for today, april thirtieth, i will not fall into the same eating trend i've adopted recently. i promise that for today, i will not simply shrug and say, "oh well," and stuff my face. i promise to show restraint; i promise to maintain restraint. and i promise that i will not find some sort of loophole in the wording to get me out of this promise guilt-free.
i promise.
i'm actually leaving my house tomorrow, so that should (hopefully) make things easier.
i'm hanging out with my friend.... oh, hell, i'll put him in the list. ....so as i was saying, i'm hanging out with NE tomorrow (this is the same one who keeps calling me beautiful, mind...). we're going to an ultimate tournament. he plays ultimate. his entire family does. so does HF. or he did. anyway.
who knows how long that'll last or if there will be food there... right now i'm feeling strong enough that i could resist free food when it's in front of me.
he originally suggested dinner and a movie (lawl what is this, a date? no), but maybe because i'm hanging out with him earlier i can ditch in time to avoid dinnertime with him, AND avoid dinnertime with my mother...? (i know, it's terrible i think this way.)
i've had terrible allergies all day. you should see my trash can. or rather, the floor around my trash can, as my trash can is too full of tissues to accept any more tissues.
i'm also like WTF IS THIS BULLSHIT. i lived my whole life thus far without any allergies. to anything. and now i'm allergic to my cat, and the outside. I DIDN'T EVEN GO OUTSIDE TODAY AND IT MAKES ME SNEEZY AND DRIPPY. NOT FAIR.
allegra did shit. ...i feel weird saying that cuz i know a girl named allegra.... i'm not talking about her though, really.
i just want someone to turn off the faucet in my sinuses. the spot under my nose has gotten red and sore from all my nose-blowing. :(
also, i've come to a realization.
i like the feeling of emptiness, see. but i eat so damn much it's a wonder i can ever get there.
when i feel empty, i don't want to eat.
it's the slight hunger before the emptiness that tempts me.
but when i can get over that hill, it's harder to start eating than it is to avoid it.
....what i haven't yet figured out is how hard it is to stop eating once i've started while empty.
that's the hardest thing i've encountered so far. stopping eating.
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