it's probably reasonable to assume that everyone that knows me thinks i still hold on to KW too much... and sometimes i agree...
but then again, he was my first everything. first love, first kiss, first boyfriend, first... well, you know. everything.
i just want to feel like i'm friends with him. is that so hard?
and i know he's very very busy. he's doing more with his life right now than i'll probably achieve in the next twenty years. so he doesn't seem to have much time to just chill and talk to me.
but then when he does, our conversations are pretty much just catching up and then saying goodbye.
and that's not a friendship.
but like, doesn't he have friends in his new life? doesn't he have time to talk to them? how hard is it to talk to me, too?
and again, i know he's in a completely different place in his life than he was when we had a relationship (i mean that in the basic sense). keeping too close to me would probably feel like straddling two worlds. and that's not healthy for him, because this world was toxic for him.
and now i feel like it sounds as if i'm making excuses for him, but i can just see his side of it. and trust me. i am not excusing him.
i just hate feeling this distant from him. it's so foreign to me. we've never been distant. until very recently, he knew me better than anybody else. hell, he may still know me better than anybody else.
anyway, i brought this up with him.
because it's been bothering me for a while now.
i learned a while ago that we all have our poisons - KW's was indulgence, mine is keeping things bottled up.
(though lately i want to go back to keeping everything to myself; i want to stop burdening people, and maybe i want to feel the poison burn.)
but i also didn't want to bring it up with him.
you can't force someone to be friends with you. they have to want it.
i don't want to be an obligation for him.
i want him to want to be my friend. i want him to say, "it'd be really nice to talk to AZ right now."
not "ugh, guess i'd better talk to AZ."
i opened up to him, as a friend should feel comfortable to do.
but it's not going to change.
i can feel it. i know it.
his life is changing. his life has changed.
there's kind of no room for me.
at least, no room he wants to fill with me.
it just really fucking hurts.
and this with the whole HF thing...
does everyone really just get sick of me eventually?
it kills me to know how close we used to be, and to see the difference now.
and it'd be ridiculous to dream of being that close again. that's never going to happen. and it shouldn't. we've all moved on, grown, evolved. KW and i don't blend like we did when we were together. we really were two parts of a whole, two interlocking gears, until the chisel went to work, hacking and reshaping.
i've come to terms with that.
but every once in a while, we still click.
we can still be compatible as friends. i feel it when we meet, i feel it when we chat on the phone - but we never do.
"this is not going to be a thing where we're a constant presence in each other's lives, just because we are not present in each other's lives."pardon me, but whose fucking fault is that?
this calls to mind a situation after we broke up "the first time" - he reacted to me differently, when i was just trying to be myself. i wrote him a secret letter; a line of it read, "i can't help feeling that this is your fault - that you could love me again, if you wanted to."
here, i can't help feeling that this is his fault - that he could just be friends with me again, if he wanted to.
i'm also pissed that once again i mean less to him than he does to me.
that he gets to hurt me, to exercise his power over me again.
just like when we broke up.
and when he didn't want to get back together, even though we kind of were.
and when he ended everything again.
when do i get to be the one that calls the shots? when does he stop letting me go?
i don't think i'm being unreasonable here.
i got talking with another friend about this. he said friendships always require work; effort from both ends.
i agree with this when it's not in my face.
but several instances have proven me wrong. when i think about it, i believe friendship is effortless in its essence.
the most work one should have to put in (barring fixing mistakes) is just to talk to them. and that shouldn't seem like any effort at all, if the friendship's really good.
of course we all fall out of touch every now and then. so then you reach out.
all friendship ever seems to require is both parties wanting to be friends. from there it all seems to fall into place, doesn't it?
to me, anyway.
what do you guys think? do you have to work at friendships?
after my food mess that was easter, this is just another trigger.
it's sick that i'm embracing it.
it's sick that i already hate myself for all the food that i'm going to eat tomorrow despite it.
right now, i... i was going to say that i want to die. but i don't. i just want to ...cease to be, if that's any different.
it seems a little different.
i'm like, really fucking hurt right now.
i'm having crazy cutting urges. i used to cut along my left forearm. when i get urges i feel it tingle. like the flesh is itching to be torn open....
but i won't let myself cut over KW. i won't be that weak.
will i?
i could tell myself it's not over KW, it's over the whole idea of this abandonment, that i'm not worth knowing for long......
(the friend i was talking to earlier is sweet - he just texted me because he felt worried about me, even though we were just talking and he signed off to go to sleep. he may be on some wavelength i should really monitor...)
also, i'm feeling moderately poetic right now.
which makes me angry towards KW again.
the bastard has a stranglehold on my muse.
"i still can't write about anything but you."
he's the foot standing on my hose, and it only flows when he moves.
KW, this is your eviction notice.
even after all of this, if he'd just put a little effort in, i know i'd put this all aside.
 | |
| this is a flower petal from the blue rose he gave me the first time we ever hung out, on january 2nd, 2009. |
(blue roses are my favorite.)
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