DO SOMETHING

i know, i post too much.
(i'll respond to my nomination tomorrow :D)

i had a fit earlier this evening because my mom was kicking me off the couch to go to sleep, but that would mean i had to go lie on my bed, and because i'd only been awake for 4 hours, i wasn't ready to do that.

for a while, i was really okay with being nocturnal. maybe even a little proud. i love the night, after all, and being up all night made me feel... quirky.
it's the sleeping through the daylight that's so god. damn. annoying. i'm officially fed up with it.
but it's not like i'd be doing anything differently if i spent my waking time during the day... i eat less, being up all night, because i'm constantly preparing to go to sleep whenever the tiredness hits me, and i don't like eating less than 2 hours before i go to sleep. so as a result, i don't eat past 2 am, but then i'm up until around 8 anyway. if this were during the daytime, i'd spend those 6 hours eating.

personally, i believe that calories consumed after midnight and before sleep should simply... not count.


so i'm currently really frustrated. i broke down sobbing because i didn't want to be awake, i didn't want to go to sleep, and i didn't want to do anything at all. not even exist.

for the past few days i've been trying to get myself motivated to go up to fort tryon park and take pictures with my new camera. it's one of my favorite places in the city (up there with KW's roof, of course) but i'm only there once a year (for the medieval festival where my friend and i dress up YES WE ARE THAT COOL AND YOU ARE JEALOUS).
and it takes a lot of motivation because even though it's awesome, it's at entirely the opposite end of manhattan.
it's gorgeous, though.
i've never been there when it's not packed with ye olde festival guests, so i wonder what it's like the rest of the year... i hope it's safe =\

because, YES, i'm finally going to do this!
and maybe i can go to the gym. but probably not. in fairness, i do a lot of walking when i do leave my house.
i'm on a quest to DO things with my days. it's hard when they begin at 7pm. mustmustmust flip this around.



- - - - - - - - - -
i've just checked in with my scale. after a bad food sunday, it looks like i've rebounded by sleeping through eating times today.

when i was wasting time in starbucks i bought stuff and picked at it for almost two hours.
that was a chicken flatbread hummus thingy with healthy stuff. i didn't really eat the hummus. - ~200
tall caramel latte - no idea, round up to 200
chicken margherita microwave meal from lean cuisine - ~300 calories but i don't eat all the leafy mushy bits
two mini fruit roll-ups - 45 each
bowl of cinnamon life w/ skim milk ~170
TOTAL: a bit less than 1000
wow, it felt like so much less....

i'm 125.4 right now though. i'm maintaining. could be worse. could be gaining.

this occurred to me yesterday... or earlier today... or something, hell, i don't know -
if i don't feel dizzy when i stand up, to me, that means i'm eating too much.

on PT i keep seeing threads about the horrible effects of eating disorders. and as scared as i am of any of those, it's not putting me off what i'm doing?
i really am fucked.





in other news, my knees reallyfuckinghurt from ...certain activities i partook in on kitchen floors in the middle of the night last night. i still have a scar on my foot from his bathroom floor, from about 15 months ago. floor sex = bad idea. even when it's a good idea, it's a bad idea. owie me.