a long story...

KW's leaving wednesday morning, and when we saw each other it was with uncertain plans that we'd see each other again, if he found any free time.

i really hate when i don’t know that the goodbye i'm saying is one meant to last. 

my goodbye has to feel like goodbye. otherwise it drives me crazy.

it was just like when HF was visiting, and every time we saw each other we made uncertain plans to see each other again, so we wouldn’t say a proper goodbye, and then the uncertain plans would fall through, so i had to somehow see him again to say goodbye, and the cycle continued until finally i was the one to bring him to the airport.

but i know that's not happening with this one. he's actually got family for that.

…it was just so odd when he left for rehab. i was out of the city at the time, and all i got was a text. eventually he called me to say that he'd probably never see me again. of course i knew that wasn’t possibly going to be true. and if it ever looked like it was going to be, i sure as hell wouldn't let it.

so i began to get antsy last night that we'd run out of time before he left, and i wouldn’t have gotten to say my proper goodbye. he confirmed that it wasn't looking good, so, perhaps a little desperately, i went into brooklyn at midnight last night to spend just a little more time with him, though he said he'd probably go to sleep around one.

i just had to burn a chopstick with him, at the very least. and his roof is one of my favorite places in the city, and i missed his dog. there was just a lot worth trekking out there for, no matter how briefly i'd be there.

we took a walk in the park, burned chopsticks, fought with chopsticks (both sword fight and wizard duel), and just talked. we're ridiculous together, it's fabulous. :) we went back to his apartment for a movie, and then his roof.

our relationship is a complicated one. it always has been, since we broke up. we've never been good at platonic. we've ended things two (well, three, i guess) different times but always end up hooking up again. part of the amends he made included all of the mutual using each other we were doing with all our emotionless sex. but i still have a power over him somehow. no matter how over me his is, i always tempt him, not even just in a physical way. there's something about me that entices him. and he may have gotten addicted to anything he's ever put in his mouth, but i've only ever been addicted to him (well, and cutting). and no matter how over him i am, i'm still prone to relapses if things go just right.

on friday, hugging him didn’t spark anything in me like i feared it might have. but when the wind messed up his hair and i reached up to fix it, that's when things came suddenly rushing back. with that one simple motion, i was aware of our bodies. it wasn't normal sexual tension (we're very familiar with that). maybe just… physical tension.

it became more pronounced last night. prolonged glances, pushing hair away from faces and feeling soft skin, our heads always a little too close, our hugs a little too long.

the time came to decide if we'd give the platonic friendship thing a shot. but we snuggled closer for the movie, and my freshly-applied strawberry lip balm smelled delicious. we kissed.

(when we were hooking up, i couldn't help but admire my hipbones. it inspired me to get back on track after a couple bad days. also, i forgot to eat those carrots the other night. i'm a dork.)

i remembered my no-sex sacrifice for AD and i didn't want to let it get that far, until KW said that AD (knowing our hook-up history) expressed that she actually wouldn't be so mad. so, following AD's no-sex-til-june pact footsteps (her own deal with another friend of hers), i granted myself one last hurrah before slapping on the chastity belt.

i had to let him sleep at one point before his mother got up for work so i went for a long walk 'til sunrise.

then i said my real goodbye, we parted ways, and we both slept for the entire day. oops.

i must say, it was overall a highly pleasant night. i love the middle of the night. i love city streets in the middle of the night. i walked around empty brooklyn, singing all over the place, allowing my voice to echo in hollow, deserted streets. nobody to hear, nobody to judge.

were i not nocturnal, i would be a morning person though. i love the mornings when i'm a) not sleeping through them or b) not groggy from just waking up. it was raining and the light diffused through the pale gray sky was truly beautiful.

….i didn't know how much i missed him until i saw him again. and now i know i'm going to miss him a lot more.

when he made amends, i told him that i just really missed feeling close to him. he’s still a very close friend. nobody can know me as well as he does and not be considered close. we’re going to speak more often, hopefully. i also told him that whatever our relationship becomes, as long as we have the type of relationship where we can chill in our underwear, whether we hook up or not, i’ll be okay. i’m completely serious. in the past i’ve been so remarkably, astoundingly comfortable with my body around him. once i got overheated at his house so i just stripped down to my underwear. i probably sound insane, but it’s really important to me that that safe feeling is maintained. i always want to feel this comfortable around him, when he is around.

for some reason, though, i woke up this evening (ha) feeling inexplicably depressed. it’s unnerving not knowing why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, especially when what you’re feeling sucks.