(ha, that's funny compared with the title...)
i went to sleep at like... some time between 3:30 and 4 in the morning last night. got up at 2:45 to go to the closing show of the NYICFF - new york international children's film festival.
yes, i know i'm 18. yes, my mother comes with me. yes, i know neither of us are children. but hell, she even goes to the "shorts for tots" show because she misses those cute little things she doesn't get to take me to see anymore.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING WE DO AND IT'S AWESOME, GOSH.
...
so i weighed myself when i got dressed. 124.6. considered reconsidering plan pepperoni roll.
went along with plan anyway.
(i asked if they had any caloric estimate - the guy behind the counter was clueless, but some random patron said probably 800 to 1000. so it may be as bad as i was estimating. i thought about it, and i figure 900's a safe bet.)
i also got some werther's original hard candies to suck on when i'm really hungry but have eaten too much already.
i would have gotten sugar-free but the little deli didn't have a wide selection. and i know i could have found less-calorie-full hard candies, but i LOVE werther's original. and they're delicious, so it may actually trick my body into being content. or not. whatever, my mouth'll be happy at the least.
funny story though. ...maybe not funny.... anyway.
when i was two, my brilliant father gave little stupid AZ a werther's original hard candy.
little stupid AZ was too young to comprehend the method of eating a hard candy. little stupid AZ swallowed it. little stupid AZ choked and turned blue.
my father was too afraid to give me the heimlich maneuver because he's strong and didn't want to break my ribs. (a child's ribs are more flexible than an adult's, daddy...)
thankfully, this occurred in public, at a supermarket kind of near my house. the cashier was educated and saved my life.
to this day, i love werther's originals, now that i've figured out how to eat them.
to this day, i cannot stand to go into that supermarket.
so.
i was exhausted when i got home, and could not keep my eyes open. problem: it was not even 8 pm. i took a nap. nap turned into regular sleeping. i woke up a little before 2. i don't really feel the need to sleep anymore. fml.
i weighed myself when i woke up.
i always try to estimate what the scale is going to tell me. i also try to go a little high, so if i'm right it's like i prepared myself, and if it's lower i can be "pleasantly surprised."
it said 124.6.
...heh heh.
BUT SERIOUSLY
that's a BMI of 18.4. it's a hell of a ways away from my goal, but it's underweight. goal number one:
although i'm hesitant to celebrate because i know i can (and likely will) fuck that all up tomorrow, or the next day, or... soon. so i don't really feel over the hill yet, but LIKE RIGHT NOW IT'S TRUE, YO.
i'll be a lot happier once i feel it, though. when i'm struggling with say, 122 lbs, i'll feel out of the "normal weight" woods.
....damn i'm fucked up that i feel like that's a thing i have to deal with. the normal weight woods? i shouldn't be afraid of that.
i also had a kind of scary ED-mind moment the other day - i had to get up and get dressed and go out to meet friends, but suddenly i realized i was afraid to do so because what if we went out to eat or one of them made dinner and made me eat? what got me through it was thinking about how proud i would be if i stayed strong and resisted the food temptation, even with the social pressure. (it didn't work out so well, btw.) but in a lucid moment i thought to myself, really? i'm not even that bad disorder-wise and it's already starting to affect my social behavior.
in other news....
maybe if i stay awake i'll go up to fort tryon in the early morning and get some beautiful morning shots.
i was so inspired by the light that morning wandering around brooklyn waiting for KW. god, it was so beautiful.
i love the rain. i love what it does to the world.
...i hate what it does to technology.
it's going to be mostly sunny tomorrow. i can work with that....
fuckingshitfuck it's going to SNOW AGAIN LATER THIS WEEK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING HELL, SPRING, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.
i wish i had more interesting things to talk about. =\ i feel boring.
i'm just like "blah blah blah up all night" "blah blah blah pepperoni roll" "blah blah blah fort tryon park"
hell, my life is that boring right now. sorry, followers.
at least my stuff for my NYIP course is here. i read the booklets, took the test, watched the "weekend photo workshop: disc 1: saturday" dvd - which is definitely from the 80s and they definitely need to update - yes, i know, they're commemorating the world trade center, which is in the background of the intro, but for heaven's sake, they're talking about film cameras. these days, you don't have to get the best shot every time. you don't have to be selective and wait (lawl i wrote weight first) for the right shot, because you're not wasting film, you don't have to pay for development. you can take shitloads of pictures and find the best later. it's a different process, though admittedly the basics are still there. (also the special effects are the WORST THING EVER. i don't know if they have the infamous "lab safety video" where you're from, but here, it's probably the best part of any science class because it's HILARIOUSLY not good. but this is just really irritating to watch, and they keep referring to what i'm watching as "a tape.")
where was i? oh yes, i did all that stuff, and all i have left to do is listen to the discs and complete photo project one, mail it in, and get the next lessons. i'm really excited. :)
more classes i want to take:
-color theory
-yoga
-guitar lessons
-pole dancing (what?)
....there was a thread on PT about it and i've wanted to do this for a while
because i have issues with sexiness and it's really really bothersome. i am
only ever accidentally sexy. it is not something i can do on purpose. i get
extremely self-conscious and shy. it's been frustrating in the past. i figure
this would help, if i could overcome the self-consciousness keeping me from
actually going to the class. and it's also wicked for the body, and would
probably be a neat party trick (HA).
wow, my gap year suddenly seems a lot shorter.
also: note to self - stop complaining in front of your mother that you look fat. even if your hips look the size of a house and your coat which used to look so good now makes you look like your waist is twice the size it is. it'll only make her suspicious of your habits.
No comments:
Post a Comment