so i saw him yesterday. the guy that's visiting. it's funny how all his apologies don't really help... most of his motivations have already occurred to me, and his vocalizing all of them really just make it hard to delude myself. but deluding myself feels better.
but that aside, it was nice. it was nice to see him. it got cut short because he has so many people to see, so if he has any more spare time before he leaves (wednesday morning), he'll give me a call and we'll get done what we didn't have time to get done. we wanted to do some things that are just such reminders of our relationship - we walked through central park and sat near tavern on the green, but our bench was taken. but i never got to visit his roof, we didn't get cheap chinese food, and we didn't burn anything. must see to that.
(i have to seem normal - well, i'll never be "normal" to him, and i wouldn't want to be, so normal's not quite the word... i have to seem not-disordered to him. i can't explain why. rather, i can't explain why him. so i'll choke down the dumplings we buy. probably won't eat anything else all day. probably won't even be able to finish the whole order. maybe he won't notice.)
anyway.
i went to the doctor yesterday. first time at a real grown-up doctor. he weighed me. i am indeed officially 125 lbs. :) borderline underweight. i feel about a million pounds today though. gonna get dressed, go for a walk, and weigh myself when i return. hopefully the damage isn't too bad.
cannot slack off now, not when it's getting good.
the doctor confirmed that i have low blood pressure. which is healthy, of course, but various things (dehydration, exercise...) can exacerbate it and cause dizziness.
today i stood up and went to my refrigerator for some reason and got extraordinarily dizzy, so i tried to sit down, but i was shaking so hard, and i didn't have any control over it. nearly sat on my cat's water bowl :|
i told the visitor about my low blood pressure and how that's why i'm dizzy, and the first thing he asked is "have you been eating?"
...tell me how i haven't seen him in nearly a year (before i was really as disordered as i am now - though i've always been fucked in the head about food since he's known me) and he's caught on more than anyone else, within the first TEN MINUTES of seeing him again. it's not even like i look ill. i didn't even mention my ten pound weight loss!
that boy is too damn perceptive. or he knows me too well. either way.
i of course said yes. i mean, i do eat. not an adequate amount, but he didn't ask that, now, did he? his next question was "are you keeping it down?" i reminded him that i am as emetophobic as ever (though didn't confess that otherwise my answer would probably be no).
then i went on a quest for an egg roll. i was reminded of egg rolls by looking at some food porn and instantly thought OMG NEED. thankfully it wasn't anything bigger. that tiny thing can't be more than 600 calories (i did a little research - most people guess 300something, but i'll be generous just in case), and all i'd eaten all day was a chocolate chip chewy bar (100).
today i've had
bowl of crispix & skim milk (MY MOTHER BOUGHT 1% MILK RANDOMLY. SHE NEVER DOES. I ALMOST POURED THAT AND I WAS LIKE OMG WHAT) - ~160
two reese's eggs right after i half-collapsed to get energy into my body - 360
chicken & prosciutto tortelloni - ~250
salad w/ italian vinaigrette dressing ~ nofuckingclue, my mom threw random things into it.
i eat again at 11 or so. let's say 11:15. i'm planning on a chocolate caramel pudding cup. my mom keeps buying the damn things. (120)
then again, i've just done calculations. i also had a little cranberry apple raspberry juice (~50) and most of a raspberry peach (i do love raspberry...) snapple (~200). that brings me to already more than 1000 for the day.
fucking hell, this is why i hate being awake. this is why i never drink anything but water.
no pudding for me.
calm down, AZ, think of it as a metabolism boost.
-exhales-
fml
i'll go on a very long walk.
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