nobody views my blog anymooooore
(unless you do. then thank you and i love you. if you don't i secretly hate you and it's only a secret because you don't read it so therefore you're clueless)
(i'm just kidding i don't hate you you're lovely but you're also clueless that i'm saying that because you don't read my blog HA)
what's that you say? "you're crazy"?
WHY YES. YES I AM. :D
hope it entertains you like it entertains me!
....i sleep at the worst times. i didn't sleep tuesday night, and i was just gonna stay awake straight through therapy and sleep when i got home. of course that didn't work out so i blew off therapy to sleep and woke up at like 2:30 am. i'm sick of this.
but i've realized, for some reason, sleeping at night, in the proper hours, makes me feel lonelier somehow. it makes no sense, since instead i'm up all night, by myself, and how could that not make me lonely? i don't understand why i feel this way, but that's what i noticed.
it's so fucking hot in my bedroom holy shit
i pigged out at like 4:30 in the morning. so i refuse to eat again until noon at the earliest.
i've just been informed that my mother will be in long island for all of the day.
i told her, "okay, i'll call the people for the party."
(which is funny if you know how small our apartment is.)
but in my head i'm like sweeeeeeet i can not eat for that whole time and nobody will care! or if i must eat, i can do so naked to disgust me into stopping sooner.
and then i think about how hilarious it is that that's how i celebrate my mother leaving. when i'm in a relationship, i call over the bf and we have a very fun day. when i'm single, i just starve myself. what a comparison.
in related news, i am approximately 124.5. i know my scale doesn't give me odd decimals (once more, ??????), but it kept bouncing between 124.4 and 124.6 soooooo 124.5 it is.
i feel like i'm officially out of the normal weight woods. what i'm maintaining now is like 125.2 at the highest, usually when i'm stuffed with water or recently eaten food.
and, once more "the normal weight woods" should not be something i'm afraid of.
let's play a game called "how fucked is AZ's mind?" it goes like this. i say, "how fucked is my mind?" and you say, "very!"
"how fucked is my mind?"
audience: "very!"
good job. nicely done.
...well, that's enough of that.
so i spoke to AD. told her i hooked up with KW. it just proved to her that i have no self-control. she said she doesn't even care if i don't have sex until 2012. she wasn't going to make me give that up. she also wasn't going to prevent me from seeing KW. she utterly confuses me sometimes.
she also told me that she hooked up with KW, too (though they did not have sex), but it was really uncomfortable for her because it felt like she was hooking up with the little boy she dated three years ago. i'm surprised she did it at all because she's not attracted to him anymore. it makes me wonder, though, if KW only wanted me because he was horny or if i, as a person, as a character, actually factor into the equation.
then i realize i'm silly, and of course it's both. that's been made clear plenty of times.
i just get a little worried, sometimes.
he still has a crazy power over me, one i can't explain. he's the one that forced me to seek therapy when my depression was bad and i knew i needed help. he's the one that introduced me to the world, basically. and of course i'll always love him and want him in my life.
....i wonder, with all his power over me, if he could ever convince me to recover.... not that i'm anywhere near bad enough to even need recovery. also not that he would know, considering he's across the country. he could probably talk me into doing literally anything else. and at least we've spoken about this, and i know i have the same power over him.
in fact, if there is someone reading this blog, i dare them to think of something it'd take a hell of a lot of convincing for them to do (no murder please) and post it in a comment. i'll think about whether he could convince me.
i bet this is going to be a lot less interesting than i think it's going to be.
but as i was saying, he just makes me a little nervous. never when i'm with him - when i'm around him i'm not even aware of myself, i just... exist comfortably. but after the fact.... he really is like a drug.
i wouldn't say i didn't miss him when he left the first time, but... well, i was distracted when he left (dating HF), and by the time i lost that distraction i was used to him being gone. but with that little taste of his company the other week, i can't believe it could possibly be that long again before i see him.
i think i have the least addictive personality of anyone i know. i've tried some stuff, well-known for being addictive, and never gotten hooked. with two exceptions: cutting, and KW.
i've always been aware of my addiction to him. even before we dated, when we were just talking and getting to know each other, i ALWAYS wanted to talk to him. and then when we broke up, and spent time apart, i recovered. then we spent more time together, and i relapsed. and i know he's not around anymore, but how do i work out talking to him, being friends with him, but keep myself from relapsing?
(don't get me wrong. relapsing is not the same as falling for him again. but it's probably along that path, which is why i need to avoid it.)
i know you give zero shits about what i am saying. i'm just ranting/rambling at the expense of your interest.
KW's a really interesting subject for me because he was so integral in shaping who i am now. and his influence really was powerful. i know that because i can still think back to certain moments and my heart still flutters from the memory.
who else could steal my breath two years into the future?
i'm going to let you in on a little secret. please don't think me pathetic for it.
i'm rather certain i'm still in love with my memory of him.
which is probably why i'm still so vulnerable to him. like there's some stubborn little part of my heart that's waiting for that KW to emerge. but he's not going to.
-sighs-
that aside.
...wait, i've got nothing else to say. shit. i guess that's it then.
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